Actually getting into New Zealand is easy. All you have to do is get here somehow, wade across the Tasman Sea or whatever, and the rest is easy. Once here you can sign up for all the free benefits—health care, housing, food, disability, retirement. Also for women, it’s best to come here when you’re pregnant and about to deliver, a little before the baby is crowning. Then you can have your baby here and your child automatically becomes a citizen and can not only sponsor you but the rest of your family too, in fact, the rest of the people in your country. All aboard! But regardless, even if you come alone, you immediately get a driver’s license, reduced college tuition and you can even vote in the elections here since photo ID’s are entirely optional. Of course, if you do want to work you can do all the jobs the Kiwis don’t want to do.
They’re very touchy about any prejudice against people here illegally. So don’t worry about anyone mentioning or questioning why you are here illegally. No one will even bring it up lest they offend you. Why you aren’t really even here illegally, are you? As a world citizen, you have a right to go and live wherever you want. So don’t worry about getting deported. I think there is some law but the prime minister and government says that there is no need to enforce it. If you are even looked at askance by immigration, make sure you take your time in picking your defense attorney from the long queue that will have lined up to defend you. There are lots of good ones so take your time. Acquired some bad disease in your country that has been eradicated from here years ago? They don’t mind. Come on in and make sure you bring it with you. Bring us your sniveling, hacking, blistered and pox-ridden masses.
Oh, and those minor felonies back in your own country. No need to worry about that. Maybe if you chopped the heads off several dozen people, they might take a look at you, but just run of the mill murder, rape or mayhem. No way.
Are you a terrorist? That’s no problem either. You, as a bona fide terrorist, as someone who wants to destroy New Zealand in this case, have rights too! Actually you are looked upon favorably if you badmouth the country here on your arrival and vow to take it down.
And no one is going to expect you to become part of the culture here. Oh, sure there are ways things are done and have been done here for years but that’s not for you! Nope, no way. In fact, it’s best if you keep to your own people, keep speaking your own language, don’t learn English (why bother?), and maintain your identity with the country you came from. You know, fly your own country’s flag, protest and speak badly about your newly adopted home. They like it here when you do that.
And if you don’t speak English—not to worry. Everything is written in not only English and Maori but also half a dozen Asian and Polynesian languages. And the phone trees will oblige you also—just remember to press ’23’ if you want to hear things in English.
Oh wait, this is all for the United States, not New Zealand. I got mixed up.